Catching up

Hello! 

I've been thinking about, well just life in general really. And I realized how much of a mess my life really is, haha. I guess that's not necessarily a laughing matter but I'd like to think lightly of it. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am "clinically depressed" and I thought that I had gotten better but it turns out that is not the case, in fact if anything I had just ignored my state of being, and now I am more emotionally unstable than ever. But that's a different matter I suppose. With everything going on at once, it gets pretty hectic and I end up going back to my old ways, which I choose not to bring up and talk about. Honestly, I guess now that I'm a senior in high school I can say this, but I'm constantly surrounded by just ignorant and careless people, you could say, and sometimes it really has an impact on me, especially when times aren't the best at home with family situations. Dealing with these types of "things" are really stressful and sometimes you don't know how to handle them and connect with yourself. But If there's one thing that I learned it's that no matter what you should always take time to at least reconnect with yourself and evaluate your current state and just try to sink everything in, and really think about what your next action or goal should be. I guess it was one of those days today, for me where I had to reconnect with myself. And I came to a conclusion that until I get my own life under control and become more happy with myself, I think that I will only be putting up posts like these. I know that it's not the best, but it's what makes me feel better and less stressed, of course when I do find time and have everything under control, I'd like to be posting a variety of content for my blog and for my blogging experiences to really grow. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that, as a person I still have far more learning to do about myself, and that as a person I will always be growing. I feel like this was kind of a brief, and short post but that's all I have for today.

Until next time,

Rough day and no support

I've had quite a rough day today, well "rough" I should say. But nonetheless definitely not one of my best days. I guess we all have to have bad days every once in a while too huh. I mean overall it was an okay day, until I got to 5th period which was my lunch. 1st period I have Pre-calculus with one of my well least favorite teachers, and she finally told the class that we could get our tests, which keep in mind we took 2 weeks ago, back during our lunch time. And optimistic me, thinking that I did well on the test, received the test only to be disappointed to a B- of 82%. Now I know, 82% that's not too bad isn't it, at least I still got a B. But because I ended the class with a B the 1st term I had the class, I was just disappointed in myself, math is usually one of my stronger subjects so I wasn't understanding why I was struggling so badly. I was motivated to do better, really focus and finish the class with an A. But, I suppose due to the overwhelming amount of stress I give myself, surrounding stresses, and more, I've become sensitive I guess so this is affecting me a lot more than it really should be. All of my motivation for trying to get that "A" has gone down the drain. I may just be overreacting as well. But one of my resolutions was to not give up and to keep striving for my goals, but that is really easier said than done. Just when my day couldn't get any better, my aunt sends a message to the family group chat, which consists of all the adults in the family, saying how her daughter (my cousin) has gotten a letter from Harvard saying that she should apply there and major in the medical field. My aunt is notorious for being the one to always brag her daughter off to the whole family. So it always seemed like a competition between the family on who's kid could get the better grade, or better gpa, or get into the better college, pursue in a "better" major. So then it just made me feel as if I'm not good enough for anything, because no matter what, this whole competition would never end. Then my mom, being the emotional person she is, went on saying how it's because she couldn't speak english or how inexperienced she is in me going into college and education in general. As my mom and her friend were talking, her friend asked what I was going to pursue, and so my mom replied with nursing or kindergarten teacher. That's when I got really disappointed, now I shouldn't have been disappointed and in fact should have just expected this to happen because then that was when her friend said but teachers don't make much money. It is true teachers don't have the best paying job, but my mom replied with "it's because that i'm so uneducated on this subject and inexperienced that she's choosing such a career to pursue." I've had enough, so I just replied with "it's okay if it doesn't make the best pay, as long as I enjoy what I do." All she did was scoff after that. I don't know if it's just old-fashioned Asian families that all have this sort of trait in common, or maybe it's just by pure coincidence. But honestly, this is why I dislike Asian families. I guess this wasn't the most interesting post to read about, and overall it escalated quickly. 

Hopefully this would be more interesting to this post. 

This bird's expression is literally me at my life right now.

Until next time,