It's definitely been quite some time since I last updated, I honestly don't really have any excuse but just not being motivated and caught up in school and just life really. But today I wanted to get something off my mind really. Yesterday, admission decisions from UC Davis came out, and well unfortunately I was rejected. Honestly, I was definitely surprised, I thought that I had a decently okay chance of getting admitted but I think I was a lot more shocked and depressed than I thought I would have been. Now, this being said when I got the e-mail, I woke up from a nap and that was the first thing I read. So at first I thought I was just having a bad dream, and so I read it over and over and over again. Rejection really hurts. I may just be overreacting to this, it is just a college decision after all. But still, it made me feel as if I'm not competent enough, not "good enough" basically to go to college. I haven't passed my ELM, so I have to retake it, I haven't taken the most AP classes that other people have taken. But what made everything seem worse was the fact that all my other acquaintances from school were getting accepted so it made me think, "I work just as hard as them, what makes them so different from me?". I started to feel inferior, but don't get me wrong, I was genuinely happy for them. But for some reason I just couldn't allow myself to express it. But I want to think that experiencing these things were only normal to come along with rejection. Now, even if I did get admitted, I don't think I would have gone anyways due to financial reasons. When I told my mom yesterday, she was definitely shocked but she seemed okay, probably because she didn't want to express her disappointment in front of me. I asked her to reply honestly but she still said that it was okay, and how she's completely fine, which of course I still refuse to believe. It wasn't until that she asked if my friend got admitted, and I told her that she did, that my night just happened to get worse. Of course I'm happy for my friend, but the fact that I felt like I was being compared too, and how disappointed my mom must be, everything started to sink in. But now today, my mom seems depressed, and I can't help but think that it's all because of me. That I didn't work hard enough. Ultimately, making me feel even worse. But I guess that's just another obstacle that I need to get through. I can't help but feel down while I try to overcome these things. Anyways, while all this was happening, I can't help but remember the words of the stranger I met at the car dealer, while my mom's car was being fixed. We were having small talk and he asked me if I wanted to know what I wanted to do in life and the colleges that I applied to. I told him of how my mom doesn't exactly support my goals and what I wanted to do. He told me of his story and how he was in a similar situation, of how his parents didn't support his decisions as well. He told me, that I shouldn't give up and that it's my life so I have to live for myself to be happy. After that encounter, I just felt really grateful for being able to meet people like him, who just are so supportive and really understand the situation that I'm in. I guess the reason why I'm bringing this encounter up is because, it's honestly the only little bit that is able to make me feel just a little better and give me a small source of hope. In the end this is just another "hardship" that I have to overcome.
Until next time,
No comments:
Post a Comment