Friends

Hello again!

Once again, here I am running away from my responsibilities and feeling down in the dumps again. I guess today's post is just going to be another ramble-on about life. Throughout my 17 years of living I've dealt with nothing but the worst experiences regarding friendship, you could say. Ever since I was little I was always outcast-ed and bullied to a certain extent. I remember in elementary school I had friends that would always talk behind my back and I even knew, but I still stuck with them because I had no one else to be with. I guess being with people is better than being alone. Wrong. Being alone is definitely better than being with well people who bring you down I guess. But then I'm definitely a hypocrite for saying that because even now I still force myself to be with people who bring me down. Now here I am in high school and I'm still being taken advantage of for my "kindness" I guess you could say. Throughout the superficial friendships that I've had, I always still felt alone. I feel as if I'm the only one trying and tries to be there for them whenever I can, only to receive an "I guess." or a "Maybe" or even a "I'll see." in the end when I need help. But then again, maybe I'm just over thinking everything as usual, but when you've gone through countless experiences all ending the same, I guess you just end up thinking that nothing will change. I would like to think that I put other people before myself most of the time, and I guess that's how I always get hurt and taken advantage of. I always believed that if I put others before myself, I'd receive the same from them back right? Wrong again. Honestly when it comes to being friends with people, I'd say just choose the people who even if you don't contact them or even see them often, you can always talk to them whenever and be comfortable with yourself when you're with them. I've always been envious of those who seem so genuinely happy and have people that they can be with. But life doesn't work that way. No doubt that I'm grateful for the people that have positively impacted my life, but ideals kick in and then I expect or hope for too much maybe. I won't stop hoping though that one day I'll be able to find true friends who I can always count on. Sometimes that waiting time seems so gruesome and just makes me want to quit everything and feel like I'm just better off alone. Seems like all I can do is hope and convince myself someway or another. Well, I guess that's it for today's ramble haha! If you have any experiences similar to mine or even if you're going through something like this, we're in the same boat! So don't lose hope. 

Until next time.