Hardships

Lately I've been going through a rough patch in my life, now this isn't the worst obstacle I've had to go through but perhaps the effects of this one is the worst.

Now, naturally it doesn't help that I am the type to OVER-stress and cause myself great anxiety and fear. But ever since my orientation for college was coming I suddenly began panicking, "what if I don't do well," "what if I don't get any classes and can't graduate," "how will I be able to afford this, will financial aid cover everything?", and most of all "what do I truly even want to do with my life?" 

Now those are only the thoughts about college and my future career path. Definitely the matter of lack of self-esteem and even being depressed also played into hand. However, this made me all the more grateful for my close friends and my family. During this rough time, my close friend really snapped me into a more realistic outlook should I say?, He told me that I should start living for myself and not for others, that we've suffered for far too long and that really in the end our happiness matters above all else. After talking to my mom about this further, she said the exact same thing, and at first I thought she would never understand, but really I'm glad that she was able to understand my thoughts and reassured me that she would be proud of my decisions and the path that I would take. Also my brother, who is always very supportive of me and helping my parents to have a more open outlook, which I'm always grateful for. Really, all I have to say is that during such times having a good foundation of relationships with family and friends is crucial. Because really without them, I definitely would have had a much bigger breakdown than necessary. 

But what I really wanted to say is having the "right" friends is significant. As me and a close friend of mine have recently experienced, hanging out with the wrong people has really caused us so much unnecessary stress and a toll on emotions. Really, it was just to the point where in the end we were just completely over the whole situation. People who only victimize themselves and antagonize everyone else, those who continuously lie, and most of all those who absolutely refuse to step off their high horse will never succeed. They may try to succeed, but really they will never find their own happiness. Leaving such people is honestly the best decision you can make, all that unnecessary negativity is honestly just outrageous.  

If anything, perhaps these hardships, always different but just hardships in general, whether it be personal or even conflicts with "friends", I like to believe that they make you into a better you, I should say. The key is to really never stop, as cliche as it sounds, I believe it's true.

On another note, I know I've said that I would update more since summer started, but really I have no excuse, I've just slacked off completely. But it's definitely time for me to start picking things back up and getting my act/life together!

Hopefully this could be of some help.

Exploring San Francisco + Small Update

Goodness, I've been away from blogging for quite sometime, there's really no excuse, I've just gotten way too caught up in the rush of school, graduating, personal matters, and such etc.

But I'm definitely planning on creating more content and uploading more frequently.

Now that I've finally graduated high school, I feel that I can finally take a deep breathe and relax. I've currently applied to two places and now just need to wait a few days to call in regarding my application status, hopefully I'll be able to get the jobs so I can start helping my parents as well as save up for myself. 

Really, that's all there is to update, now to the fun day!

Diego and I have been planning a trip to San Francisco for quite some time now, and finally we went! Surprisingly, it was also the day of the Tofu Festival in Japan town as well, which made it all the more fun and interesting. We actually had no set out plans for the day, so we just went to spontaneously. The ride there and back actually didn't seem too long especially because we were just catching up the whole time and such (from Elk Grove to SF takes about roughly 2 hours). 

We had finally arrived to SF at around 10:30 A.M, which was still pretty early! But goodness, the driving is definitely a bit chaotic, mainly because of the yielding left and right turns. But nevertheless, still memorable.

We arrived to China Town first, and ran into a small little store which gave a very atmosphere to that of Sanrio! The employee there was also super nice about everything and patiently waited to help us out. This store was also not to mention so much more cheaper than Sanrio in regards to pricing. I was surprised, because usually when I go to China town it is a very brief visit, so I never really got to explore, but surprisingly there was a lot to offer here. We passed by so many cafes, which all had a nice overall vibe to them.

The cafe we headed to was called Maggie's Cafe I believe! I got the mango ice cream and Diego got the Green tea flavor! 

Afterwards we headed to different stores and actually stopped by a store that was super inviting and had so many beautiful paintings, and the interior was super nice as well.

All the paintings were on sale for about 50% off since they all had to be sold.

Afterwards we headed to the Chinese cultural center in this luxurious hotel, we found out that they also had the Chinese art gallery but they were closed down for remodeling. 

The view from the hotel was just as amazing as well.

We actually found a Confucius fortune teller, which by the way was just too hysterical, Diego put in a dollar and really the fortune teller replied "If you share your wealth with me I will share my wisdom."

Our last stop in China town was Sweetheart Cafe! Their roasted milk tea is way too good, it wasn't too sweet or too bitter but had the perfect amount of both the tea flavor and milk itself.

Now to Japan town!

Oh goodness driving on those steep hills to J-town was quite exciting but terrifying at the same time! Unfortunately I wasn't able to take a picture of the drive on the way.

We finally arrived and got to see the Tofu Festival happening! We ordered from this Korean chicken and tofu food truck! Their tofu balls and garlic fries were super good!

We had to stop by the bookstore, and I spotted some of my favorite animes! Love live! and Uta no Prince! 

Our last stop during our day trip was to the Stonestown Galleria! Diego had told me that there is a Skinfood and Uniqlo, so I couldn't say no.

Diego and I are both super interested in skincare and cosmetics in general, so we really just took our time when browsing in Skinfood, along with The Face Shop in J-town! Also, Uniqlo never disappoints with sales, and they had really nice basic t-shirts and bomber jackets as well!

On the way home, the view was just phenomenal, really wish we could have stayed longer at night, but that'll definitely have to wait for another trip!

Until next time SF!

Dealing with negativity and Friendship issues

Hello!

Lately, I've been surrounded by so much negativity in my life, I began thinking and decided that if I don't do something about it, nothing will ever change and all the negativity will continue to influence me and follow me throughout everything. Me and a "friend" per say, have been going through issues which is my main source of negativity, I decided that I just want to rid myself of the negativity in my life. I do realize that you can never completely rid negativity from life, but there definitely are many ways to deal with them, and what I did today is one. If anything if such a friendship has been causing you to really just think about everything and not make you happy, but the sole happiness of the other person, then this friendship is definitely not one that is healthy nor genuine. I had to learn that the hard way. I ignored the problem until eventually it blew up into something bigger than it needed to be. In the end people can not forced to be changed, and for them to continue to act as ridiculous as they do now, that is up to them. As long as you tried, that is all that matters because in the end, I suppose YOU are the bigger person and no matter how much you always initiate and is tired of being the first to start a confrontation, it almost seems as if nothing changed and if anything they lost someone to bring down with them. Sometimes it really is just necessary to just block out the sources of negativity and to just continue on living because we will always somehow face situations like this. It's almost inevitable really. For friendships to be genuine and last, both parties regardless of different preferences must be willing to put their heart into it. In the confrontation I had today, many things were called to me, in a confrontation I just don't feel that it's necessary to go to the extent of calling the other party such profane words. However that is what happened today, and although profanity is a form of expression, when trying to maturely confront an issue, does such language definitely does not need to be expressed. All in all, Ignorant people WILL be ignorant and choose to be ignorant no matter who tells them. If they themselves do not realize that the TRUE problem is within themselves, then their way of life will never change, and their negativity that comes from themselves will continue to haunt them. 

Until next time,

Rejection and encounters with strangers

It's definitely been quite some time since I last updated, I honestly don't really have any excuse but just not being motivated and caught up in school and just life really. But today I wanted to get something off my mind really. Yesterday, admission decisions from UC Davis came out, and well unfortunately I was rejected. Honestly, I was definitely surprised, I thought that I had a decently okay chance of getting admitted but I think I was a lot more shocked and depressed than I thought I would have been. Now, this being said when I got the e-mail, I woke up from a nap and that was the first thing I read. So at first I thought I was just having a bad dream, and so I read it over and over and over again. Rejection really hurts. I may just be overreacting to this, it is just a college decision after all. But still, it made me feel as if I'm not competent enough, not "good enough" basically to go to college. I haven't passed my ELM, so I have to retake it, I haven't taken the most AP classes that other people have taken. But what made everything seem worse was the fact that all my other acquaintances from school were getting accepted so it made me think, "I work just as hard as them, what makes them so different from me?". I started to feel inferior, but don't get me wrong, I was genuinely happy for them. But for some reason I just couldn't allow myself to express it. But I want to think that experiencing these things were only normal to come along with rejection. Now, even if I did get admitted, I don't think I would have gone anyways due to financial reasons. When I told my mom yesterday, she was definitely shocked but she seemed okay, probably because she didn't want to express her disappointment in front of me. I asked her to reply honestly but she still said that it was okay, and how she's completely fine, which of course I still refuse to believe. It wasn't until that she asked if my friend got admitted, and I told her that she did, that my night just happened to get worse. Of course I'm happy for my friend, but the fact that I felt like I was being compared too, and how disappointed my mom must be, everything started to sink in. But now today, my mom seems depressed, and I can't help but think that it's all because of me. That I didn't work hard enough. Ultimately, making me feel even worse. But I guess that's just another obstacle that I need to get through. I can't help but feel down while I try to overcome these things. Anyways, while all this was happening, I can't help but remember the words of the stranger I met at the car dealer, while my mom's car was being fixed. We were having small talk and he asked me if I wanted to know what I wanted to do in life and the colleges that I applied to. I told him of how my mom doesn't exactly support my goals and what I wanted to do. He told me of his story and how he was in a similar situation, of how his parents didn't support his decisions as well. He told me, that I shouldn't give up and that it's my life so I have to live for myself to be happy. After that encounter, I just felt really grateful for being able to meet people like him, who just are so supportive and really understand the situation that I'm in. I guess the reason why I'm bringing this encounter up is because, it's honestly the only little bit that is able to make me feel just a little better and give me a small source of hope. In the end this is just another "hardship" that I have to overcome. 

Until next time,

Catching up

Hello! 

I've been thinking about, well just life in general really. And I realized how much of a mess my life really is, haha. I guess that's not necessarily a laughing matter but I'd like to think lightly of it. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am "clinically depressed" and I thought that I had gotten better but it turns out that is not the case, in fact if anything I had just ignored my state of being, and now I am more emotionally unstable than ever. But that's a different matter I suppose. With everything going on at once, it gets pretty hectic and I end up going back to my old ways, which I choose not to bring up and talk about. Honestly, I guess now that I'm a senior in high school I can say this, but I'm constantly surrounded by just ignorant and careless people, you could say, and sometimes it really has an impact on me, especially when times aren't the best at home with family situations. Dealing with these types of "things" are really stressful and sometimes you don't know how to handle them and connect with yourself. But If there's one thing that I learned it's that no matter what you should always take time to at least reconnect with yourself and evaluate your current state and just try to sink everything in, and really think about what your next action or goal should be. I guess it was one of those days today, for me where I had to reconnect with myself. And I came to a conclusion that until I get my own life under control and become more happy with myself, I think that I will only be putting up posts like these. I know that it's not the best, but it's what makes me feel better and less stressed, of course when I do find time and have everything under control, I'd like to be posting a variety of content for my blog and for my blogging experiences to really grow. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that, as a person I still have far more learning to do about myself, and that as a person I will always be growing. I feel like this was kind of a brief, and short post but that's all I have for today.

Until next time,

Rough day and no support

I've had quite a rough day today, well "rough" I should say. But nonetheless definitely not one of my best days. I guess we all have to have bad days every once in a while too huh. I mean overall it was an okay day, until I got to 5th period which was my lunch. 1st period I have Pre-calculus with one of my well least favorite teachers, and she finally told the class that we could get our tests, which keep in mind we took 2 weeks ago, back during our lunch time. And optimistic me, thinking that I did well on the test, received the test only to be disappointed to a B- of 82%. Now I know, 82% that's not too bad isn't it, at least I still got a B. But because I ended the class with a B the 1st term I had the class, I was just disappointed in myself, math is usually one of my stronger subjects so I wasn't understanding why I was struggling so badly. I was motivated to do better, really focus and finish the class with an A. But, I suppose due to the overwhelming amount of stress I give myself, surrounding stresses, and more, I've become sensitive I guess so this is affecting me a lot more than it really should be. All of my motivation for trying to get that "A" has gone down the drain. I may just be overreacting as well. But one of my resolutions was to not give up and to keep striving for my goals, but that is really easier said than done. Just when my day couldn't get any better, my aunt sends a message to the family group chat, which consists of all the adults in the family, saying how her daughter (my cousin) has gotten a letter from Harvard saying that she should apply there and major in the medical field. My aunt is notorious for being the one to always brag her daughter off to the whole family. So it always seemed like a competition between the family on who's kid could get the better grade, or better gpa, or get into the better college, pursue in a "better" major. So then it just made me feel as if I'm not good enough for anything, because no matter what, this whole competition would never end. Then my mom, being the emotional person she is, went on saying how it's because she couldn't speak english or how inexperienced she is in me going into college and education in general. As my mom and her friend were talking, her friend asked what I was going to pursue, and so my mom replied with nursing or kindergarten teacher. That's when I got really disappointed, now I shouldn't have been disappointed and in fact should have just expected this to happen because then that was when her friend said but teachers don't make much money. It is true teachers don't have the best paying job, but my mom replied with "it's because that i'm so uneducated on this subject and inexperienced that she's choosing such a career to pursue." I've had enough, so I just replied with "it's okay if it doesn't make the best pay, as long as I enjoy what I do." All she did was scoff after that. I don't know if it's just old-fashioned Asian families that all have this sort of trait in common, or maybe it's just by pure coincidence. But honestly, this is why I dislike Asian families. I guess this wasn't the most interesting post to read about, and overall it escalated quickly. 

Hopefully this would be more interesting to this post. 

This bird's expression is literally me at my life right now.

Until next time,

Friends

Hello again!

Once again, here I am running away from my responsibilities and feeling down in the dumps again. I guess today's post is just going to be another ramble-on about life. Throughout my 17 years of living I've dealt with nothing but the worst experiences regarding friendship, you could say. Ever since I was little I was always outcast-ed and bullied to a certain extent. I remember in elementary school I had friends that would always talk behind my back and I even knew, but I still stuck with them because I had no one else to be with. I guess being with people is better than being alone. Wrong. Being alone is definitely better than being with well people who bring you down I guess. But then I'm definitely a hypocrite for saying that because even now I still force myself to be with people who bring me down. Now here I am in high school and I'm still being taken advantage of for my "kindness" I guess you could say. Throughout the superficial friendships that I've had, I always still felt alone. I feel as if I'm the only one trying and tries to be there for them whenever I can, only to receive an "I guess." or a "Maybe" or even a "I'll see." in the end when I need help. But then again, maybe I'm just over thinking everything as usual, but when you've gone through countless experiences all ending the same, I guess you just end up thinking that nothing will change. I would like to think that I put other people before myself most of the time, and I guess that's how I always get hurt and taken advantage of. I always believed that if I put others before myself, I'd receive the same from them back right? Wrong again. Honestly when it comes to being friends with people, I'd say just choose the people who even if you don't contact them or even see them often, you can always talk to them whenever and be comfortable with yourself when you're with them. I've always been envious of those who seem so genuinely happy and have people that they can be with. But life doesn't work that way. No doubt that I'm grateful for the people that have positively impacted my life, but ideals kick in and then I expect or hope for too much maybe. I won't stop hoping though that one day I'll be able to find true friends who I can always count on. Sometimes that waiting time seems so gruesome and just makes me want to quit everything and feel like I'm just better off alone. Seems like all I can do is hope and convince myself someway or another. Well, I guess that's it for today's ramble haha! If you have any experiences similar to mine or even if you're going through something like this, we're in the same boat! So don't lose hope. 

Until next time.